near chaos

been so long since i dropped off pieces of my mind here. so many things happened in just so little time. at least, i felt that i had unknowingly let time slip through my fingers - i am at the brink of losing control... of time... of my thoughts... myself.

where's this me that was once described as a stable lighthouse - strong in foundation, withstanding the strong torrents of nature, and guiding others along the way. i ask myself why is it that the smallest action can shake the very core of my confidence?
why?

what have i degenerated into? i have lost a great deal of self-discipline... of control over my emotions.. and i'm still as poor at picking up body language and any subtle hints that may come along with it.

thoughts are scattered... spread wide far and apart.
daydreams are common and conclusions are rare.
the chain of thought so tangled and lenghty that it's difficult to track back to the stem.
minute events lead to a ponder,
and i start mulling over all possibilities as a think longer.
can't stop contemplating till ponders drive me bonkers.
and i'm falling down the steep slope, though i want to grow stronger.
conflicts, competition.. they hit me together
i just wanna be.. the best i can be, till this chaos is over.